Internalized Messages Affecting Women's Leadership Identity

Have you ever been told you are too quiet? Maybe you don’t speak up enough so, “people worry about your leadership skills.” Or, you don’t advocate enough for yourself so, “you aren’t taking control of your career like a natural born leader.” If so, this article is for you. Maybe you’ve received feedback that there is concern over your analytical skills and “quant chops.” Or, there is some general, yet vague, feedback that leadership worries, “you lack that killer instinct.” Or, maybe it’s the opposite and you are “too bossy” or “too opinionated.” Have you heard any of these things?  I have over my career. Instead of letting them control my path, I got upset, then angry, then curious. I decided that none of these descriptions were really a good read on me, or my leadership potential, and I decided to change the perception. You can too. I’ve interviewed hundreds of women in senior leadership over the years and one thing is clear: we’re navigating a constant push and pull. Be strong, but not too strong. Be likable, but not too soft. Show your ambition, but don’t make anyone uncomfortable. Women aren’t just doing the job, they’re doing the extra work of managing how they’re perceived while they’re doing the job. We wrote this piece for HBR because it’s important for women to know how to not only subvert stereotypes and shape how others see them, but to do it without losing themselves in the process. Too many of us think there is nothing we can do when we hear feedback that doesn’t feel quite right. Sometimes, there are actions we can take. I love this piece so much because it says we don’t have to be victim to the stories about us or around us, we can do something about it.   1️⃣ Craft a counternarrative – Instead of internalizing biased feedback, reshape how people see you by aligning your strengths with what the organization values (on your terms!). 2️⃣ Use positive association – Enthusiasm and future-focused language can subtly shift others’ assumptions  and build trust. 3️⃣ Turn feedback into power – Don’t immediately accept or reject it, investigate it. Use it to understand what success looks like in your environment, and then find authentic ways to express that in your own leadership style. So if you’ve ever felt like your success depends not just on what you do, but how you’re seen…you’re not imagining it. Especially in times of economic uncertainty and shifting priorities, it becomes even more pronounced. And while there are no one-size-fits-all strategies, when women take control of their story, they open doors for themselves AND others. Let’s stop contorting ourselves to fit outdated models. We can rewrite the models themselves. Let me know what you think. https://lnkd.in/gcCSE7XW Colleen Ammerman Harvard Business Review Lakshmi Ramarajan Lisa Sun

I am (not) your mother, Luke.   Or your sister. Or girlfriend. Or your wife.   I am your boss.   And yet, as a female leader, I often found that my team members unconsciously placed me in a caregiving role. Which triggered in me a need to nurture them, which undermined my authority, and was no good for any of us.   I’m not alone in this. Many of the women leaders I work with in my role as mentor say the same thing. That when they have to make tough decisions, they get reactions that their male equivalents simply don’t have to face.   👩👦 The ‘mother’ role. You’re expected to be nurturing, to provide emotional support and protection. And any criticism may be taken as harsh, like being told off by mummy. 👩 The ‘sister’ role: You’re expected to be friendly, collaborative and fun. Assertiveness can be misread as aggression. 👰♀️ The ‘girlfriend / wife’ role: You’re expected to take on emotional labour, be a supportive ear, or even hand conflict in a soothing manner. These roles are a trap for women in business, where they feel that they have to balance warmth with authority, competence with compassion. And it’s exhausting!   The struggle is real ❌ Women may struggle to progress if they don’t conform to caregiving expectations ❌ Feedback from women leaders is more likely to be taken personally, rather than as professional guidance ❌ Women leaders may try to do it all, fulfilling both emotional and professional expectations – leading to burnout   To avoid this trap, women often try to take on what they perceive as a male archetype – becoming cold and harsh. But that’s not the best way forward. The answer is authenticity. How to be just you ✅ Educate your team and yourself about these biases – knowing about them is the first step to avoiding them ✅ Set boundaries – be clear about professional expectations versus personal involvement ✅ Communicate honestly – don’t feel you have to soften your message, be direct and clear ✅ Support other women – advocate for structures that allow women to lead without having to take on caregiving expectations. It’s time women stopped trying to be everything to everyone and focused on being just the very best version of themselves.   What about you? Are you a female leader who finds herself being put in these boxes? Are you a man working with women who expects them to be the caregivers? Let me know! ⬇️

Why are women still taken less seriously, even when they’re saying the same thing as a man? In Japan, gender roles are deeply rooted, so this question hits especially hard. Mary Ann Sieghart’s book, "The Authority Gap," is extraordinary. I found myself saying OMG to myself, again and again. It’s one of the most insightful books I’ve read on gender and power. It explains how men are assumed to have authority, while women must earn it, repeatedly. Even highly competent women are interrupted more,  doubted more, and promoted less. It’s not because they lack confidence. It’s because the world is still framed To see leadership and credibility as male by default. And it’s not just men doing this. Women are also socialized into these norms and may unconsciously judge other women through a male lens. That’s what makes the authority gap so persistent: we’ve all internalized it. And that's why we need to talk about it openly. In Japan, these dynamics often show up quietly, but clearly. ▪️ In meetings, women are still asked to take notes, even when they outrank others. ▪️ Assertive women are called “too strong,” “emotional,” or “not feminine enough.” ▪️ Female experts are rarely featured in the media, even when equally or more qualified. ▪️ Women often adjust tone, wording, even appearance, just to be heard. ▪️ Even other women may second-guess them, without realizing it. This isn’t just about visibility. It’s about who gets heard. And who we’re conditioned to believe. The good news? We can close the gap. Sieghart argues we can do it within a generation—if we take action. That starts by questioning how we define authority. ✔️ Pause and really listen when a woman speaks. ✔️ Focus on the content, not style ✔️ Reflect on your instinctive reactions—who you trust, and why. ✔️ Redesign leadership norms so women don’t have to mimic men to be respected. In Japan, especially, this means creating space for diverse expressions of power. It means shifting from “changing how women act” to reframing what authority looks like. Have you seen this dynamic in your workplace? Would love to hear your reflections, especially in the context of Japan. ---------------------------------------------------------- I help brands evaluate, enter, grow, and succeed in Japan.  Follow Timothy Connor here for regular insights.

A senior woman leader told me this recently: “I’m not even chasing the next role anymore. I just want to stop feeling like I’m disappearing.” And I knew exactly what she meant... Because at this level, disappearing doesn’t just look like being excluded from meetings. ↳ It looks like being in the meeting, and still not being heard. ↳ It looks like having a seat at the table, but no weight behind your voice. ↳ It looks like your value being recognized… but not remembered. And it’s not because you’re not performing. It’s because no one teaches you how to manage perception; once performance is no longer the differentiator. She wasn’t struggling with the work.  She was struggling with being seen as a leader. So we focused on what actually shifts perception from operational to executive: 1. She stopped summarizing what had been done and started speaking to what the business would need next. And people start listening when they hear strategy, not status. 2. She identified the enterprise conversations she was missing and found intentional ways to contribute before being invited. Because influence isn’t earned by staying in your lane. It’s built by creating clarity across lanes. 3. She practiced saying the uncomfortable thing not to provoke, but to elevate. Because when your insights are anchored in pattern recognition and business risk, your voice stops blending in. It starts setting the tone. This wasn’t just about being more visible. It was about being visible in the right ways to the right people for the right reasons. Because leadership at this level isn’t just what you do. It’s what people remember you for. So if your value isn’t sticking: Maybe it’s how you’re narrating your leadership in the room. #womenintech #womenleaders #leadershipdevelopment #womeninleadership #careergrowth

🤔 A puzzling leadership paradox: Why do many exceptionally qualified women resist calling themselves leaders? A new MIT Sloan Management Review article discusses this question that has followed me throughout my career journey - from technical to executive roles. I've witnessed brilliant women consistently deliver outstanding results, inspire teams, and drive innovation... yet hesitate to embrace the 'leader' label. The data tell a fascinating story: - Women outperform men in 17 out of 19 key leadership competencies - BUT only 25.5% of women demonstrate strong leader identity, compared to 32% of men - Even more striking: Women are 16% less likely to report leadership skills on LinkedIn - even when holding identical roles to male counterparts I've personally witnessed this repeatedly: brilliant women delivering exceptional results but underselling their leadership. This isn't just modesty - it's a cognitive disconnect between competence and identity that has real consequences for organizations. What particularly fascinates me is that women are comfortable describing themselves using leadership attributes (dedication, dynamism, intelligence) but resist the actual "leader" label. This suggests something deeper than the impostor phenomenon - it's about how we conceptualize and communicate leadership itself. 🔍 For my fellow organizational leaders: 1. Are we inadvertently reinforcing biased perceptions about leadership? 2. How might focusing on specific leadership behaviors rather than the "leader" label shift this dynamic? 3. Are we recognizing and validating leadership when we see it, regardless of title? The research suggests that bridging this identity gap isn't just about confidence-building - it requires reimagining how we talk about, identify, and develop leadership talent. What's your experience? Have you observed this paradox in your organization? What strategies have worked in helping talented individuals embrace their leadership identity? Photo of Kelsey Medeiros sharing research from her book - Painted Wolves on leadership. #Leadership #OrganizationalPsychology #WomenInLeadership #TalentDevelopment #EvidenceBasedHR

As performance review season approaches, I've been reflecting on a conversation from over a decade ago that still sits with me today. During my review, my manager told me I "needed to work on my confidence." When I asked for clarification, she said, "Think about how [male colleague] would have handled this situation." I can't fully fault my manager - who was herself a woman. We all carry internalized biases that we've absorbed from years of working in systems that often value traditionally masculine behaviors. It's a stark reminder that unlearning these patterns requires conscious effort from all of us, regardless of gender. That moment crystallized something I've observed throughout my career: vague feedback often masks unconscious bias, particularly in performance reviews. "Lack of confidence" is frequently used as shorthand to describe women's leadership styles, while similar behavior in male colleagues might be viewed as "thoughtful" or "measured." Here's what I wish that manager had said instead: 🔹 "I'd like you to take the lead in proposing solutions to the team, rather than waiting to be called on." 🔹"Let's work on defending your decisions with data when faced with pushback from folks." 🔹"I noticed you often preface your ideas with "I think..." Let's practice delivering recommendations with clear rationale and conviction." 🔹"Here are specific techniques to influence cross-functional stakeholders more effectively." As leaders, we are responsible for being intentional and specific in our feedback. Vague critiques like "needs more confidence" or "should be more assertive" without concrete examples or actionable guidance don't help our reports grow – they perpetuate harmful stereotypes. To my fellow managers preparing for year-end reviews: 🔹Be specific about behaviors, not personality traits 🔹Provide clear examples and contexts 🔹Outline actionable steps for improvement 🔹Check your biases - are you applying the same standards across your team? Remember: The impact of your words may last far longer than the conversation itself. #Leadership #PerformanceReviews #UnconsciousBias #WomenInBusiness #ProfessionalDevelopment

Are women leaders judged on style instead of on impact?  This Women's Day, I had several powerful discussions on a topic that many of us—especially women in engineering and leadership—experience but rarely address openly: the judgment of leadership styles. One thing my friend Rekha Vijayalakshmi said, and I agreed vehemently on, was: 👉 "Style is a choice, outcomes are non-negotiable." Yet, how often do we see leadership measured this way?  As women, we often hear feedback on how we speak, how we communicate, and how we "come across." Too direct, Too soft, Too emotional, Not warm enough, You speak too much, You dont speak much..“You’re too aggressive.” “You need to be more likable.” “You should be more polished.” These are the kinds of feedback women in leadership receive all the time. Meanwhile, their male colleagues hear: “You need to develop your financial acumen.” “Expand your strategic thinking.” “Work on scaling your team.” These are actionable insights—on strategy, execution, and business growth. 🔍 Why is leadership still being judged by optics instead of impact? 🔍 How much energy do women waste adjusting to contradictory expectations just to be heard? This isn't just frustrating—it’s a systemic issue that shapes careers, promotions, and even self-perception. In this article, I break down: ✅ The biases women leaders face and why our leadership is judged differently. ✅ How vague, personality-focused feedback hinders growth instead of helping it. ✅ A McKinsey study showing how men and women receive drastically different feedback. ✅ How to navigate and respond—taking feedback as a gift but deciding what truly serves our growth. I have shared my experience and perspective —I would love to hear yours. 💬 Have you faced feedback that focused more on style than substance? 💬 How did it affect you? 💬 How did you handle it? 💬 If you're a leader—man or woman—how do you ensure feedback in your organization is fair, useful, and growth-driven? Let’s continue the conversation. Share your stories and experiences and add your insights on how we can reshape leadership norms! 📖 Read the article & join the discussion. #Leadership #WomenInTech #BiasInTheWorkplace #InclusiveLeadership #WomenInEngineering #DiversityInTech #BreakingBarriers #LeadWithImpact

"You’re so confident… but be careful not to come off as aggressive." "We need you to be decisive, but also warm and approachable." "Speak up more. But don’t dominate the conversation." If you’re a woman in leadership, you’ve probably heard some version of these contradictions. We tell women to be strong, but not intimidating. Bold, but not too outspoken. Visionary, but not disruptive. And while men are often praised for traits like decisiveness and ambition, women are more likely to be penalized for the same qualities. 📊 A McKinsey study found that women leaders who are assertive are 30% more likely to be called “intimidating” or “bossy.” 📊 Women receive 22% more feedback about their communication style than men, often being told to “be more likable” or “less abrasive.” (Harvard Business Review) 📊 Meanwhile, companies with more women in senior leadership are 25% more profitable. (McKinsey & Co.) It’s exhausting. And it’s real. So what’s the answer? It’s not about playing small or conforming to impossible expectations. It’s about owning the paradox. The best female leaders don’t fit into a box—they redefine the rules. They flex between confidence and humility, decisiveness and empathy, influence and authenticity. And they do it on their own terms. If you’ve ever struggled with this paradox, you’re not alone. What’s one leadership challenge you’ve faced that isn’t talked about enough? #Leadership #WomenInLeadership #TheLeadershipParadox #HR #ExecutiveLeadership #CandorCourageAndCare #ItsAllAboutRelationships #HowDoYouAssemble

“You’re too young.”  “You’re too old.”  “You’re too much—but not quite enough.”  This is what women in leadership hear at every stage of their careers.  👉 In your 20s, you’re dismissed as “inexperienced.”   👉 In your 30s, you’re questioned: “Can you balance it all?”   👉 In your 40s and beyond, you’re quietly labeled as “past your prime.”  I’ve seen, heard, and felt it all. And I’m tired.  At 25, I was shy and introverted, trying to prove myself in rooms where I was invisible. In my 30s, I found comfort in a predominantly female field—HR—only to discover how ambition was weaponized against women who didn’t conform.  Now, "past my prime," with decades of leadership under my belt, I’m still dealing with assumptions about my worth, my relevance, and what I bring to the table.  Here’s the truth:   Leadership isn’t about your age.   It’s about your ability to inspire, learn, and make an impact.  But here’s the problem: We still live in a world where women are constantly judged by a number.  So, what do we do?  1️⃣ Speak up when you see bias. Have the courage to boldly but respectfully call out bias when you see it—in hiring, promotions, and everyday conversations.  Challenge dismissive comments about age. Say something when a colleague’s contributions are overlooked. Advocate for women in meetings. 2️⃣ Uplift women around you.   Whether it’s mentoring a colleague in her 20s or celebrating the wisdom of a woman in her 60s, make space for all voices.  Shout out a woman’s win in a meeting. Recommend a talented peer for a new opportunity. 3️⃣ Rewrite the narrative. Share your experiences openly, especially the hard ones. Representation matters, and your story can inspire someone else to keep going. 4️⃣ Refuse to shrink. Be ambitious. Be vocal. Be unapologetically yourself.  Stop apologizing for being driven. Own your goals. Every time you take up space, you’re showing other women it’s possible. 5️⃣ Set boundaries. Refuse to engage with people or cultures that diminish you. Prioritize your energy for spaces where your voice is heard. I wasn’t able to have children, and people have made assumptions about what that says about me as a woman. I’ve been overlooked because I didn’t “climb over others” to get to the top. And I’ve faced inappropriate behavior just for existing as a woman.  But here’s what I know: We are stronger when we share our stories and support one another. 💪🏻 To every woman reading this: You are enough. At any age, at any stage.  Let’s talk about it, let's make some noise—and let’s change it. 🧬 P.S. If this hit home, ♻️ share your perspective. Make this conversation impossible to ignore.  #breakthebias #changethenarrative #hr #women #womeninleadership #ageism #genderequality #leadershipjourney #empoweringwomen #inclusionmatters #diverseleadership #womenwhosupportwomen #careerjourney #workplaceequality #leadershipmatters #mentorship

“The sexual objectification of women produces a duality in feminine consciousness. The gaze of the Other is internalized so that I myself become at once seer and seen, appraiser and the thing appraised.” - Sandra Lee Bartky #WomenTalking As a woman in leadership, I am familiar with this duality. Many of us are. We are often placed in the role of the “seer”—the one who makes decisions, leads teams, and drives results. But at the same time, we’re the “seen”—appraised and evaluated not just for what we do, but for how we look, how we speak, and how we present ourselves. It’s an unspoken tension we deal with daily. While we focus on leading, we’re also constantly aware of how others perceive us. Are we too assertive? Not warm enough? Too emotional? The question is always hanging in the air: how will this decision or behavior be judged because I’m a woman? This balancing act is exhausting and unfair, yet it’s the reality many of us face. But here’s the thing—we don’t have to let that duality control us. More and more, we’re flipping the script. Instead of shrinking under the weight of the gaze, we’re owning it. We’re leading on our terms, using the very qualities we’ve been told to downplay—like empathy, emotional intelligence, and collaboration—to redefine what leadership looks like. I’ve seen it firsthand: women taking the lead in ways that feel authentic to them, not conforming to someone else’s idea of what leadership “should” be. We’re pushing boundaries, challenging the status quo, and showing that leadership is about vision, impact, and results—not about fitting into a box someone else constructed. Let’s not ignore the impact this shift is having. Every time we lead authentically, we chip away at the outdated notions of what leadership looks like. We’re building spaces where we are judged for our contributions, not our appearance. We’re setting an example for the next generation of women who are watching us—showing them that they don’t have to choose between being effective and being themselves. Yes, we are both the seer and the seen, but we’re learning to turn that into OUR advantage. Our leadership isn’t defined by how others view us—it’s defined by how we choose to show up. 💋 #leadership #authencity #BeYou