Why Silence Is More Harmful Than Feedback

Feedback is a gift. Feedback is a muscle. Feedback is Leadership. And one of the most useful tools I've found for giving feedback is the SBI model: 💡Situation, Behavior, Impact. It keeps things clear and grounded: Situation → where/when it happened Behavior → what you observed (not your judgment) Impact → the effect it had It removes judgment and keeps things focused on growth. Real-Time Feedback > Annual Reviews. The most effective feedback is also timely. Don't save it for a quarterly cycle or bury it in an annual review. If it happens today, say something today. The more real-time it is, the more natural it feels. Over time, it stops being "a thing" and just becomes how you work together. Balanced Feedback > "Can We Chat?" Dread. Celebrate wins in the moment. Recognize strengths you want repeated. And yes, have the harder conversations too, but in the same spirit of growth. Consistency Builds Trust. When feedback flows regularly, both positive and constructive, it becomes normal. And the awkwardness fades. 👉 A Gentle Invitation: Try giving one small piece of real-time feedback this week. Celebrate a win. Or nudge a behavior. See how it shifts the energy. Because feedback doesn't have to be awkward. And when done well, feedback is leadership.

Get Real About Feedback: Use Your Words. Stop dancing around tough conversations. Learn to practice "Radical Candor" giving feedback that’s direct, honest, and rooted in genuine care. This is the rocket fuel for professional growth. It builds trust and respect far faster than silence or avoidance ever will. Avoidance is a silent killer, it destroys potential leaders before they even know it. I call them “hard talk.” These are the uncomfortable but necessary dialogues that move teams, relationships, and organizations forward. Don’t be afraid of them. Sometimes, as leaders, our inability to take feedback destroys a team faster than a hurricane. Watch the attrition rate surge when people no longer feel heard or valued. The venue for receiving feedback doesn’t always have to be formal. Back in the days, I would take any concerned member of my team to a restaurant - just hang out, relax, and hear them out. You’d be surprised how much truth comes out in a casual, safe space. Train your mind to receive feedback, in whatever form it comes, and extract value from it. That’s where true maturity and leadership begin. So tell me, how do you usually handle “hard talks” on your team? Do you prefer formal sessions - or casual, heart-to-heart moments? What’s one feedback experience that changed your leadership approach? Let’s share and learn from each other.

If your feedback doesn’t land effectively, the issue might not be what you’re saying, but how you’re saying it. In my years of coaching, I’ve worked with many leaders who struggle with one of the most important leadership skills: giving feedback. If you’re too direct and focus on pointing out mistakes, it can easily sound like criticism. But if you sugarcoat too much, it loses its purpose and doesn’t help the person improve. Your intention is right. You want to help. But when the message is received differently, it can backfire, leaving the person demotivated instead of motivated. That’s where the art of giving effective feedback comes in. Over the years, I’ve learned that how we deliver feedback matters just as much as what we say. Feedback works best when it comes from a place of genuine care and curiosity, not authority. Small shifts can make a big difference: 💬 Ask first: “Would you be open to some feedback on that?” instead of jumping right in. 💬 Frame it as feed-forward, focusing on what can be done better next time rather than what went wrong. 💬 Balance critique with recognition so people know you see their effort, not just their errors. Ultimately, feedback is not about pointing out flaws; it is about unlocking potential. When people feel seen, supported, and safe, they do not resist feedback; they welcome it. Because the real goal of feedback is not correction, it is growth. It is about helping people see what they cannot see for themselves. It is about building confidence, not fear. And most importantly, it is about showing that you want them to grow. When leaders shift from giving feedback to inspiring growth, teams transform. Performance improves, trust deepens, and people begin to take ownership of their own development. That is when feedback stops being a difficult conversation and becomes a meaningful one, which helps your team grow. So, next time you give feedback to your team, pause and ask yourself: “Is my feedback valuable, while not being too harsh?”

“Feedback is a Gift, Not a Weapon” The way you give feedback decides whether people grow or give up. Feedback isn’t about pointing out what went wrong — it’s about helping someone get it right next time. Over the years, I’ve seen two kinds of feedback cultures: • One where people fear it. • Another where people look forward to it. The difference? Intent and tone. When feedback feels like a judgment, it shuts people down. When it feels like an investment, it lifts them up. As leaders, our words can either build confidence or break momentum. That’s why it’s not enough to be honest — we also need to be kind. True feedback: • Clarifies, not confuses. • Encourages, not embarrasses. • Guides, not guards. Because when people trust that feedback is coming from a place of care, they stop defending themselves and start developing themselves. 💬 How do you make feedback feel safe and constructive for your team?

Most feedback ruins relationships because people mess it up. Here's how to give feedback that actually helps without making things weird. It's from Radical Candor. Three parts: 1️⃣ Make the observation objective ❌ "You're always late." ✅ "You showed up 10 minutes late to the last three meetings." Facts. Not opinions. Just what actually happened. 2️⃣ Make the impact personal ❌ "It's unprofessional." ✅ Tell them how it actually affects you or the team. Make it real. Not some vague corporate speak. 3️⃣ Share what you'd do if it applies You don't always have to. But if you know a better way, show them what you'd do instead. The key: Be specific. They need to know exactly what they did and how it messed things up. No guessing. No getting defensive. Just straight talk. 🎥 Full framework in the video DM FEEDBACK for the Weekly Leadership Pulse Template - how you structure feedback that improves performance without destroying trust. What's the hardest feedback you've ever had to give?

🚨 Your team isn't afraid to give feedback. They just don't think you want it. Here's the uncomfortable truth: Most feedback cultures fail because leaders say they want honesty, but their behavior says otherwise. The solution? Stop waiting for people to speak up. Make asking for feedback the norm. 💡 4 Ways to Build a Culture Where Feedback Flows Freely: 1️⃣ Teach people HOW to ask ❌ "Any feedback?" = crickets ✅ "What's one thing I could improve in that pitch?" Vague questions get vague answers. Train your team to ask specific, targeted questions tied to real goals. Make it part of onboarding and daily work. 2️⃣ Leaders: Ask first, ask often 🎯 Want your team to be open? You go first. When leaders consistently seek feedback and actually act on it, you signal that curiosity is safe. You're not just talking about psychological safety—you're modeling it. 3️⃣ Celebrate the askers 🏆 Recognize people who actively seek input in team meetings, reviews, and promotions. When asking for feedback becomes a sign of strength (not weakness), it becomes contagious. Make it a leadership competency, not a personality trait. 4️⃣ Build it into the rhythm ⚙️ Don't leave feedback to chance. Embed it into: → Weekly check-ins → Project debriefs → 1-on-1s → Team rituals When asking becomes routine, it stops feeling risky. 🔑 The Bottom Line: You don't have a feedback problem. You have an invitation problem. The strongest teams don't wait for permission to be honest—they create systems where honesty is the default.

When offering feedback, it’s important to approach it with maturity. Instead of saying something like ‘your presentation was a mess’—which can provoke defensiveness—you should focus on being constructive. Effective feedback has two key elements: ensuring the recipient doesn’t feel attacked, and making sure the giver isn’t overly critical. Many of the challenges we face stem from the way feedback is given. Too often, it feels overly critical and personal, or it fails to be constructive, leaving us stuck with the sting rather than the lesson. The answer isn’t to avoid giving feedback altogether, but to learn how to offer it in a way that supports growth without provoking defensiveness. When someone offers us feedback and we shut down, argue, or flip it back at them, we create disconnection. That reaction discourages other people from being honest with us and closes the door to opportunities. Defensiveness builds an environment where truth cannot live. At its core, defensiveness is a form of self‑protection: the nervous system interprets feedback as a threat, triggering fight mode. Feedback is not rejection—it is information. And smart people value information, because it becomes a bridge of connection rather than a wedge of conflict. I have always seen it this way: receiving feedback is a gift. I welcome it with gratitude, because it means someone cared enough to share their perspective instead of walking away in silence. That act of honesty is sweet, compassionate, and deeply human. Feedback helps us grow, and growth is the truest form of connection.

The “yuck sandwich” (positive feedback → negative feedback → positive feedback) is a classic tool, but in practice, it often falls short. It used to be really popular but now leaders are recognizing it can fall short and potentially do more damage. People frequently focus only on the positive, missing the constructive points entirely. Worse, the praise can feel contrived, undermining authenticity. In my view, separate praise from constructive feedback. Be specific with your compliments. Address issues directly, factually, and with clear expectations. If circumstances force you to communicate via email, the yuck sandwich can provide structure, but in face-to-face conversations, dialogue and curiosity are far more effective.  Thanks to Tim Hamons for this awesome visual.

I Led a Team Before I Turned 20 — Here’s What It Really Teaches You About Conflict, Feedback & Confidence When you end up leading a team before you even turn 20, you don’t step into the role feeling like a “leader.” You step in with a mix of excitement, fear, and the constant worry that everyone can tell you’re figuring things out as you go. But that’s exactly where the real lessons hide, in the moments you feel slightly unprepared, slightly overwhelmed, and yet somehow still responsible for the outcome. One of the first things I learned was that conflict isn’t a problem to avoid; it’s a signal to pay attention. When you’re younger than most people in the room, every disagreement feels like a threat. But over time, you realise that healthy conflict actually strengthens the work. It forces clarity. It pushes ideas further. The key is learning not to take it personally. Once I understood that, conversations became easier, decisions became stronger, and the team became more honest with each other. Then came the lesson that every young person struggles with: giving feedback without feeling like an imposter. There’s a special kind of awkwardness in offering constructive feedback to someone with more experience than you. I learned that the solution isn’t pretending to be authoritative, it’s being clear, specific, and respectful. Feedback isn’t about correcting someone; it’s about elevating the work. And when that became my lens, people became far more receptive, regardless of age. But the biggest, most unexpected learning was this: confidence doesn’t arrive first; it arrives last. You don’t wake up confident because you have a title. You become confident because you survive tough conversations, make decisions that matter, and show up on the days when you’d rather hide behind a “Let’s circle back later.” Confidence builds when you lean into discomfort instead of running from it. Leading early teaches you that leadership is never about having all the answers. It’s about being willing to hold the room, even when your voice shakes a little. It’s about choosing clarity over ego, curiosity over defensiveness, and progress over perfection. If there’s one thing I know now, it’s this: leadership has no minimum age. And once you learn that, you stop waiting to “feel ready” and you start acting ready.

The hardest thing when I started leading people? Giving negative feedback. I used to overthink every word. ❓ What if I upset them? ❓ What if it damaged our relationship? ❓ What if it made things awkward afterwards? I know I'm not the only one who would get anxious about feedback. So, like many managers, I sometimes avoided it. I told myself I was “protecting morale”. That I was being nice. In reality, I was just postponing problems. Eventually, I realised something simple but powerful: Avoiding the conversation isn’t being kind - 𝗶𝘁’𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘂𝗻𝗰𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿. Unclear expectations are the quickest route to frustration and resentment. Now, when I train new and emerging managers, this is one of the first lessons we tackle together. Some of my key tips for feedback: ✅ Have the conversation early to address issues 𝗻𝗼𝘄 ↳ Nip any problems in the bud. Don't wait until the annual review ✅ Most of your feedback should be praise to support their good work ↳ 100% criticism damages confidence and motivation ✅ Work with them on areas of underperformance ↳ Turn it into a joint effort, not just you dishing out criticism ✅ Show you have confidence in their ability to grow and improve ↳ “I know you can do this – let’s make a plan together” ✅ Use Situation, Behaviour, Impact, Feedforward ↳ Plan your conversation. You can also use this for praise. And almost every time, someone says the same thing I once did: “That wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be.” Giving feedback isn’t about criticism. It’s about clarity, accountability, and helping people grow. 💬 What’s one thing you wish you’d known sooner about giving feedback?